Monday, 2 January 2017

Sanity inducing

Lucky for me, I have a husband who understands that my mental health is something to be cultivated and protected.  For christmas, I got a stress-relieving adult colouring book, some fancy pens, and note books.  This year's project, away from photography and the like, is to capture the year in words and thoughts.  For each day that I think about it, I'm writing a word on a page in caligraphy and then writing the back story for it.

Only 5 days until a vacation.

Monday, 26 December 2016

leveling up

After the shit-show that was my family's fake Christmas on the 17th, the girls deleted their grandmother from facebook.  It was a long time coming, I suppose.  She's not very kind about my children's father, and has said some things recently that are really challenging.  I'm not supporting the facebook deletion, but I understand it.  The girls had enough after last week - the name calling and smugness.  My daughter has taken years of it about their dad and my niece is working through some things and needed some grace.

Anyway, my father deleted the girls.   And Em's Christmas presents are being returned.

And then I got a message asking if I knew, and I said I did, and that my sister in law had told me.  I said I was disappointed and wished they had contacted Jordie to talk about it.  My parents feel that there is no reason to do so when Jordie and Emily deleted them.

Except the reasons that exist.  Like being christians, and grandparents, and older.  Like being grandparents and loving your grandchildren.  Like showing some freaking grace to some girls who are tired of this.

But no.  The conversation today ended with a few thoughts.  Mom saying that all families blow apart and that ours is no different, and that she had a nice day yesterday, without the drama.

I suppose I did, too.  I'm feeling really upset and sad, but also relaxed.  This is disappointing but unsurprising.  What should my response be, I wonder?

Sunday, 25 December 2016


Is it wrong that I get angry at some facebook statuses?

My first one that I hate is the "invisible disability" meme.  You know the one I'm taking about, something about don't judge me and just because you can't see my disability.. blah blah blah.  It's essentially explaining why someone with NO VISUAL DISABILITY should get theh same treatment as those suffering with a visual (real?) one.  They bug me for a couple of reasons.

I get that you may have something like chronic fatigue or whatever.  But if you're focus is making people feel sorry for you or rating disabilities on the facebook scale, you're missing the point.  People with an actual disability don't usually post on facebook during their hardships.  And if you have to keep telling us that your disability is invisible, it starts to sound more like imaginary.

The other is the "someone I know died" type memes.  You see these at major holidays or mother's day (never father's day, though).  The "I lost a baby" or "I miscarried" or "someone died right before Christmas" type stuff.  I'm sorry for your loss, but do you really need to remind me of it at all major holidays?  Like somehow I'm bad for wishing my mother in law happy mother's day because someone on my friends list can't get pregnant.  One of my friends has one of these today; the whole "Try not to wish everyone merry christmas because I lost someone recently".

Yes, yes.. awful to have someone pass away this time of year.  Not sure there's ever a good time to lose someone, but life and death happen and so do holidays.

Is that awful of me?

Probably.  Merry Christmas ;)

Saturday, 24 December 2016

the winteR

Since my last post, life has been amazing and has sucked:

Amazing:  Our first and second family of refugees have arrived and are doing well.  they are a joy and pleasure.   And I have great friends, which are a balm to my soul when I am unhappy.

Sucked:  My family.  It was a bad start to the season when my parents turned down an invitation here for christmas because they didn't want to spend it with "newcomers and children" - and yet turned around and invited my brother's new girlfriend and her daughter.  We also couldn't do boxing day, as my mother was hoping for an invite from somewhere better.  And when we did get together, 8 days early and through some questionable planning, it went horribly wrong and highlighted some issues I've been steadily ignoring.

When my cousin died nearly 2 years ago, I saw some ugly things I couldn't face.  I was running then, and cried a lot when I was running, working out my feelings in my head and heart.  I need to run again.  And maybe cry.  Every time I think I'm okay with things something happens to show me I'm not.  That I can't accept this as reality, or at least MY reality.  There must be more.

On the eve of christmas, I face the fact that things are not as I had planned, but that tomorrow I will be surrounded by those who love me.  And that is enough.

Monday, 31 October 2016

stRessed eh eff

So it's Monday morning at 7:23 and I'm usually at work by now.  Usually at my desk for over 20  minutes by now, updating trackers and plans and writing email.  I've done the email part, while sipping house-made coffee and updating my manager about why I'm still sitting here instead of at my desk.

Of course, today, Hallowe'en is the day that my car tire is flat.  It was flat yesterday - after I hit a curb too hard and exploded the damn thing 3 kilometers from my house.  And Bob and I switched cars so that I could still go curling and drink beer, while he waited for the tow, because he's awesome for stuff like this.  But the tow didn't have the lug and the VW didn't seem to have it in the trunk, so it's still in a plaza 3 kilometers away.  I had to cancel my appointments with a store this morning and carpool in.

And of course it's hallowe'en so everyone is rushed.  And the person I carpool with is going in late because she had to get her kids in their costumes.  And we're leaving early for the candy frenzy.  These things are all right with me, but I'm stressed AF wondering how I will coordinate my tire repair, a tow, and a lug nut from the office.

And then I find out that a team member has the day to work from home because he's very into hallowe'en and needs to be at home to prepare.  I'm managing a flat tire from 70 kilometers away because of a very important meeting I thought was mandatory to attend while he stays home to prepare for the big candy-grab of 2016.  Which begs the question - why am I stressed?

Why was I on the ice, coordinating a ride to work, and cancelling a district meeting to make sure I attended the office for the big meeting if someone else is working from home because he digs hallowe'en?    I mean, good for him and all of that - that's not the issue.  Do I care too much?  Should I have just taken a personal day?  Worked from home?  Not given a good rats ass about this kind of thing?

I'm stressed.  Is it too early to start to drink?

Sunday, 23 October 2016

snoRing in the distance

It's an early Sunday morning.  I'm up, having a coffee and reading the online papers, after feeding the dogs and researching my homemade soup of the weekend:  I think I'm going with this one.

I like making soups - it's relaxing.  Something about taking a recipe and having it come to life - making one's own variations on themes.  As an example, I may not use roma tomatoes this morning, and I may not use the heavy cream and asiago when serving.  I may, instead, use regular tomatoes and cream cheese.  We'll see where things take me today.

It's been a difficult week here at Casa Smith.  My husband is frustrated with his disability.   He feels things are progressing and he's angry that he can't do things that he could do a year ago.  I'm not sure, specifically, what he is referring to.  He can't cook, he says, or chop vegetables.  He can't clean.  (Dude has a wife, y'all.. why's he worried about this?)  He is concerned a nursing home is not far off in his future.

Ugh.  I reminded him that he showers by himself.  He mostly dresses by himself with minimal assistance (I do buttons, etc.). He works full time in a high stress job.  He volunteers with 3 different agencies.  We travel and do cool stuff.  It's not even time to have the conversation, yet alone start seriously considering it.

He counters with the fact that I am "stuck" here.  That I make all his meals, do all the cleaning, have all the responsibility.  And?  How is this different than any other marriage, really?  He feels guilty that I "have" to.  And yet, the only time I complain is on weeks like this where he's down, and frustrated, and yelling at me and saying mean things because he can't handle the changes.

So I'm up at 7, not able to sleep after an argument last night.  I'm going to make soup, get ready for church, wake up Bob, get his coffee and breakfast going, and continue on.  I'm scared, too.  I'm only 45 - what if something happens to me? what if he's going to be angry the rest of our days?  what if I have to put him in a home?  what if i can't live with the decisions i'm going to be forced to make?

Make soup.  Drink coffee.  Go to work.  Laugh.  Live.  Fake it until you make it.    I'm so good at this, I should write a book. ;)

Sunday, 16 October 2016

and the winneR is..


I've joined up for novice curling with Miss Jessica and feel pretty good about that.  It's hilarious in this house that I've finally joined a team sport and that the first email I get about said sport is all about drinking.

Starting tomorrow, I'm giving up white food.  Sugar, white bread, potatoes.. that sort of nonsense.  For 30 days.  I've slowly allowed myself to eat snacks and such again - enjoying the bounty of tortilla chips and potatoes.  This has me back behaving again - which isn't huge for me as I love veggies and meat, but still.  Poor Bob has agreed to also give up this stuff.

It's nearly 9 a.m. on Sunday and I'm waiting for Bob to be done his shower and join me for a coffee before we head to the 11 a.m. service at church.  He's a bit of a slow-go today.  Yesterday he had a very active day - we went out for breakfast, attended Applefest, he worked for four hours, we had dinner together, went to a movie and then out for a coffee.  I suspect today will be a slightly slower pace for him.

Sarah is here, from Halifax, but not sure we'll get to connect.  She's at a family wedding an hour north of me, and driving through to her mum's this afternoon.  It's strange knowing she's in the province, so close, but that our plans may not allow for a hug, tea, or drink.  As I wrote that I got a message that she may pop by around 2.  We shall see.

I hate mice.  I think we have a mouse.  I hope it's a mouse, and not like a rat or something scary like that.  What's the freaking point in having 3 dogs and 2 cats if you have some sort of rodent in your house chewing through pasta bags?  Thankfully, I just see evidence of one and not any real proof.  No poop, no scurrying, just... a chewed pasta bag or two.  Jesse thinks he plugged up the hole but I am not sure.  Argh, I hate the country.