Sunday, 22 January 2017

in aLL you do.. ;)

In week one of eating better, I managed to lose 9 pounds.  A stellar start.  I think it had more to do with the lack of alcohol and sugar, and some of my bloating due to wheat ingestion than any other dietary do-rights.  Either way, though, a solid start.

I'm projected to hit my goal in May.  This week will be harder, since I'm traveling for work - but I suspect I can make it work.  Wonder if being sick this week contributed at all to my success?

Friday, 20 January 2017

dinneR foR bReakfast

I just ate a tupperware-container-full of spaghetti squash spaghetti.  Undere 300 calories and tasty, this dinner for breakfast was a winner in a house that is banana-less this morning.

That's how I entered the kitchen this morning - starving and looking for breakfast, only to learn that Bob had taken the last frozen banana for his shake.  All the good calorie wise breakfasts incorporate a frozen banana - shakes and 2 ingredient pancakes.  I was crushed.

I'm struggling to stay positive in my personal life these days.  My parents are acting like I'm an outsider and only really bothering with my brother and his new girlfriend.  Cast aside.    I don't know why it bohers me so much, except maybe the pronunciation that "they lost two granddaughters" which is bullshit and we all know it.  But whatever.  

This new year has been interesting.  I'm doing modern calligraphy, trying to curl, eating better again, reconnecting with friends, and weeding out the activities that make me feel frustrated.  I turn 46 in two months and am steadily treading towards 50.  I'm trying not to be nervous.

Monday, 2 January 2017

Sanity inducing

Lucky for me, I have a husband who understands that my mental health is something to be cultivated and protected.  For christmas, I got a stress-relieving adult colouring book, some fancy pens, and note books.  This year's project, away from photography and the like, is to capture the year in words and thoughts.  For each day that I think about it, I'm writing a word on a page in caligraphy and then writing the back story for it.

Only 5 days until a vacation.

Monday, 26 December 2016

leveling up

After the shit-show that was my family's fake Christmas on the 17th, the girls deleted their grandmother from facebook.  It was a long time coming, I suppose.  She's not very kind about my children's father, and has said some things recently that are really challenging.  I'm not supporting the facebook deletion, but I understand it.  The girls had enough after last week - the name calling and smugness.  My daughter has taken years of it about their dad and my niece is working through some things and needed some grace.

Anyway, my father deleted the girls.   And Em's Christmas presents are being returned.

And then I got a message asking if I knew, and I said I did, and that my sister in law had told me.  I said I was disappointed and wished they had contacted Jordie to talk about it.  My parents feel that there is no reason to do so when Jordie and Emily deleted them.

Except the reasons that exist.  Like being christians, and grandparents, and older.  Like being grandparents and loving your grandchildren.  Like showing some freaking grace to some girls who are tired of this.

But no.  The conversation today ended with a few thoughts.  Mom saying that all families blow apart and that ours is no different, and that she had a nice day yesterday, without the drama.

I suppose I did, too.  I'm feeling really upset and sad, but also relaxed.  This is disappointing but unsurprising.  What should my response be, I wonder?

Sunday, 25 December 2016


Is it wrong that I get angry at some facebook statuses?

My first one that I hate is the "invisible disability" meme.  You know the one I'm taking about, something about don't judge me and just because you can't see my disability.. blah blah blah.  It's essentially explaining why someone with NO VISUAL DISABILITY should get theh same treatment as those suffering with a visual (real?) one.  They bug me for a couple of reasons.

I get that you may have something like chronic fatigue or whatever.  But if you're focus is making people feel sorry for you or rating disabilities on the facebook scale, you're missing the point.  People with an actual disability don't usually post on facebook during their hardships.  And if you have to keep telling us that your disability is invisible, it starts to sound more like imaginary.

The other is the "someone I know died" type memes.  You see these at major holidays or mother's day (never father's day, though).  The "I lost a baby" or "I miscarried" or "someone died right before Christmas" type stuff.  I'm sorry for your loss, but do you really need to remind me of it at all major holidays?  Like somehow I'm bad for wishing my mother in law happy mother's day because someone on my friends list can't get pregnant.  One of my friends has one of these today; the whole "Try not to wish everyone merry christmas because I lost someone recently".

Yes, yes.. awful to have someone pass away this time of year.  Not sure there's ever a good time to lose someone, but life and death happen and so do holidays.

Is that awful of me?

Probably.  Merry Christmas ;)

Saturday, 24 December 2016

the winteR

Since my last post, life has been amazing and has sucked:

Amazing:  Our first and second family of refugees have arrived and are doing well.  they are a joy and pleasure.   And I have great friends, which are a balm to my soul when I am unhappy.

Sucked:  My family.  It was a bad start to the season when my parents turned down an invitation here for christmas because they didn't want to spend it with "newcomers and children" - and yet turned around and invited my brother's new girlfriend and her daughter.  We also couldn't do boxing day, as my mother was hoping for an invite from somewhere better.  And when we did get together, 8 days early and through some questionable planning, it went horribly wrong and highlighted some issues I've been steadily ignoring.

When my cousin died nearly 2 years ago, I saw some ugly things I couldn't face.  I was running then, and cried a lot when I was running, working out my feelings in my head and heart.  I need to run again.  And maybe cry.  Every time I think I'm okay with things something happens to show me I'm not.  That I can't accept this as reality, or at least MY reality.  There must be more.

On the eve of christmas, I face the fact that things are not as I had planned, but that tomorrow I will be surrounded by those who love me.  And that is enough.

Monday, 31 October 2016

stRessed eh eff

So it's Monday morning at 7:23 and I'm usually at work by now.  Usually at my desk for over 20  minutes by now, updating trackers and plans and writing email.  I've done the email part, while sipping house-made coffee and updating my manager about why I'm still sitting here instead of at my desk.

Of course, today, Hallowe'en is the day that my car tire is flat.  It was flat yesterday - after I hit a curb too hard and exploded the damn thing 3 kilometers from my house.  And Bob and I switched cars so that I could still go curling and drink beer, while he waited for the tow, because he's awesome for stuff like this.  But the tow didn't have the lug and the VW didn't seem to have it in the trunk, so it's still in a plaza 3 kilometers away.  I had to cancel my appointments with a store this morning and carpool in.

And of course it's hallowe'en so everyone is rushed.  And the person I carpool with is going in late because she had to get her kids in their costumes.  And we're leaving early for the candy frenzy.  These things are all right with me, but I'm stressed AF wondering how I will coordinate my tire repair, a tow, and a lug nut from the office.

And then I find out that a team member has the day to work from home because he's very into hallowe'en and needs to be at home to prepare.  I'm managing a flat tire from 70 kilometers away because of a very important meeting I thought was mandatory to attend while he stays home to prepare for the big candy-grab of 2016.  Which begs the question - why am I stressed?

Why was I on the ice, coordinating a ride to work, and cancelling a district meeting to make sure I attended the office for the big meeting if someone else is working from home because he digs hallowe'en?    I mean, good for him and all of that - that's not the issue.  Do I care too much?  Should I have just taken a personal day?  Worked from home?  Not given a good rats ass about this kind of thing?

I'm stressed.  Is it too early to start to drink?