growing up

My 17 year old son took the car this morning to go visit his girlfriend in Linwood.  That's about 2 hours or so away.  He met her playing wheelchair basketball and doesn't usually get to see her outside of basketball practices and tournaments.  They do not play for the same team, but she sometimes practices with Jesse's team.

It seems strange to me that my baby is old enough to take the car and head out for the day like this.  He's 17, Jordie turns 19 this summer and in August I would have been married 20 years to their father.

It may be a cliche, but time does go by more quickly than you realize it does.

My legs are hurting this morning - spent some time on the exercise bike yesterday, working muscles that don't get worked while running, and then walked over 10 kilometers last night.  It was nice - not only the exercise, but the stress release of talking and spending time with a friend.  

I've been struggling this week to understand depression as an illness.  I get it, theoretically.  But in a couple of scenarios, it seems like depression is either people making bad choices and being ticked off that they have to deal with the consequences or it is jealousy of not getting what they want and being ridiculously angry/sad about it.  It seems to me that in some cases it's a convenient excuse to haul out and show around when people want to hold you accountable for something.

I know this probably isn't fair and may get me some criticism, but I'm just thinking out loud here.  I'm not saying depression isn't a valid illness because I know it is.  I just think that in some cases it's a convenient diagnosis.

amusing

As we pulled into the park's parking lot, we quickly noticed that the only 2 handicapped spots were already taken.  Bob loudly exclaimed, "OSHAWA HATES DISABLED PEOPLE!" and I laughed.  There is a significant lack of handicapped parking in Oshawa, except at the big-box stores in which there is so much handicapped parking that you begin to wonder if anyone in Oshawa is able-bodied.

Today may be another day of packing and planning.  We were at the lawyer's yesterday and things went well - all the papers are signed for the new house that we own in three days.  Currently no out of pocket for the lawyer - everything looks good at this point.  I'm kinda getting excited but the amount of work is looming overhead.

Maybe one of my cats is outside.  I say this because the neighbour's dog just went bat-crazy with his barking and that's usually a result of my pretty little cat teasing him.  The cats weave in and out of the fence, maintaining a frustrating-but-safe distance while the dogs go nuts.

updating the world

A director in my department was walked out yesterday.  Many on my floor were happy about that - but I look at a guy who has two girls in university and a life outside of work and I can't really forget that someone built his career here.  I hear my own VP wax poetic about "big changes" coming and I begin to half wonder, half worry about what's coming down the pipe.

Home has not been going very well.   I don't like being yelled at continually, seeing someone's eye roll whenever I talk, and getting sworn at.  The attitude here has sucked and we've come to the point of laying out the boundaries for living with us.  Again.  

I really, really wish I understood this.  Apparently I'm a "giant retard" for not understanding after being told "a million times".  Whatever.

I spent the last few nights packing instead of running.  I haven't run in over a week but plan on doing so tonight.  I need the stress relief that concentrating on something I hate gives me.  I need the clear head of a runner, the time to pray and listen to music and not have someone else's voice either ordering me around or telling me that I'm stupid.

how quickly not working becomes a habit

I have a pile of boxes packed and another pile of boxes waiting to be packed.  As if even the clouds are sad that such a lovely weekend is over, the sky is turning grey and it is about to rain.  I'd call in sick, but I feel like I might as well be at my grey flannel cube this morning.

The globe had an article in their "hot button blog" this morning about a pastor in NC who said that we should pen up gays and let them die out.  My goodness it made me angry.  First of all, being gay is not genetic so his idea is stupid at a scientific level.  Secondly, the words of Christ are in RED.  I cannot fathom how Christians think this sort of bullying and maliciousness is at all in line with what we are taught (in the bible, not from the pulpit).  I'm embarrassed.. and during a week where I'm already struggling with "his people", this didn't help.

Maybe today will be interesting at work.  I'm at a crossroads with some of my projects and feel a little unmotivated.  I like to be challenged and have deadlines and right now that just isn't happening.  I'm trying to figure out if I'm still in the right position or if I should be looking at trying something new.  And if I'm trying something new is it in Durham or at my company..  and while I hate the drive and need to be challenged, I also worry about trying something new and not being good at it.  Or having to take the time to prove myself.  Oh.. what to do, what to do..

long weekends

This is the stuff of long weekends:  great walks, drinking wine coolers, watching stupid movies, packing up the house and wandering into my incredibly overgrown backyard.  I've gone into Toronto to see a circus, walked over 10 kilometers with a friend, packed up a few more rooms and drank more than my fair share of strawberry flavoured wine coolers.

I signed up to play Ultimate Frisbee this summer and am looking forward to it.  While I don't especially love team sports, I feel like I need to be more active.  I've done zumba and bellydancing and running this year - and now want to try something new.  

I have a gazelle workout machine and an exercise bike - both going into my work out room at the new house.  These, my team sport, and some running should help me get into shape. Either that, or they'll take up space and gather dust and create some guilt.  ;) 

Yesterday was what I needed:  packing, taking items to goodwill, and a long walk with a friend.  I came home to movies and wine coolers and relaxed.  Sometimes I just need to take a mental health holiday from the things that anger me or bring me down - and enjoy the sunshine and enjoy the good things, remembering that they far outweigh the bad.

the pursuit of happiness

I was on facebook and saw that someone from our old church suggested that my son "come back" to their youth group.  I admit to much happiness that my son said he "wasn't ready".  I really hope that when my son returns to youth, it's at a healthy church that talks about Jesus and not a church whose focus is fundraising for a building and answering questions about Nostradamus. 

Seeing that post yesterday brought up a lot of anger for me; how dare they go after my son because he's cool when for an entire year I sat in that church with no one talking to me because I dared to say what I felt instead "what leaders are supposed to say".    What I wanted to comment on my son's wall was "stay as far away from that place as you can".   

We were at a circus festival yesterday and I didn't bring my camera with me and didn't pull out my iphone to take pictures.  After an entire year of capturing every single moment it was so nice to just enjoy the afternoon instead of capturing it.  I feel like so many of my memories are what I saw from behind the camera, instead of out in front of it, with the rest of my family and friends.  

My husband wants to go to church today and I don't.  I want to work around the house and then head out into the sunshine.  He wants to go sit indoors and then come home to work.  I don't know if I'm suffering some faith-issues today or what, but about the last thing I feel like doing is going to church.  Maybe I'm just re-living my anger about the year I sat, lonely and ostracized, and I'm wondering what that was about and why no one has ever apologized.   I'd rather just ignore it today.

it can't just be me :)

Does anyone else think the question "Are you getting groceries today?"  sounds more like the statement, "We need groceries and you should get some."?

It can't be just me.

We were at the bank last night, signing bridging and mortgage papers.  What a lot of papers to sign, and then more next week at the lawyer's.  This move is costing more money than I imagined it might.  That's okay, though, I think we're moving to the right house, especially for Bob.

Yesterday, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it to the bank on time - a holiday friday often has horrible traffic.  And so, in advance, Bob had emailed the lady to ask if I could get an appointment on Saturday if I missed last night's appointment.  Her response was, "Sure!  I'm here all day!  When's good for your wife?"

So I messaged back that noon was good.  She replied with the fact that she only had 10:30 or 11:00 available.  

It can't just be me.

This week has been brutal driving to work.  I even saw a guy get out of his car to yell at another driver. I was half expecting someone to get shot or punched in the head.  At least that would have made my lateness interesting, albeit dangerous.  I felt bad kind of hoping an incident would occur, so bored was I from just sitting there.

It can't be just me.